


Nightfever

by the_lie_eternal



Series: You're burning with Nightfever [1]
Category: Eisbrecher, Poets of the Fall
Genre: AU, Crossover, Difficult Relationship, Gang, M/M, Mention of Minor Character Death, achim is a good guy, chapter titles are inspired by songs from eisbrecher darkhaus and poets of the fall, eisbrecher are gang members, gothkiller, poets of the fall are good guys, rupert lives in munich and not hamburg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-05-31 01:37:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15109088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lie_eternal/pseuds/the_lie_eternal
Summary: We need at least a whole month from Munich to Helsinki.Do you want to die?No.Then we need to walk.





	1. Bye Bye Blue Skies

I didn’t dare to look at what kind of liquid dripped down my nose, lips and chin onto the asphalt. All I did was laugh, laughing into the ugly faces of the two men standing over me. I knew that leaving them was punished with death and I also knew that I didn’t have a chance against Noel’s bodyguards like this. Was it a good idea to break his nose before running off? For my ego definitely but not for my health.

“Oh Rupert, I always thought you would have more confidence than this. I always thought you’d be one of those poor fuckers working their way up to the top, doing the shit they are supposed to do. You’re such a fucking disappointment, I can only repeat what Noel said earlier.” Jürgen, the guard of probably highest position beneath all members of the gang, rambled with a shaking head. Finally a second to breathe, I thought, but was proven otherwise. Just as he finished his sentence I felt another kick against my ribs, making me collapse back onto the ground. Alexander started laughing and repeated his move until I seemingly was weak enough to be dragged back to the boss.

Never again I wanted to set foot back into that building, not in this life. Just as Alex gave me his final kick, adrenaline rushed through my body all of a sudden. Now or never. In a split second I wrapped my hands around his leg, twisted it around and make him lose his balance. Lucky for me it caught him off guard and with a weirdly painful and satisfying slam he landed face first next to me. Jürgen, confused by the sudden happening, gave me needed extra seconds. I jumped on my feet, slammed my boot into his stomach, followed by smashing my knee into his way too beautiful face. It was fun to watch him struggling to hold his stomach and bleeding nose at the same time but I couldn’t feed my satisfaction any longer.

“Greet Pix from me.” I spat into Alex’s face and ran off into the greeting evening. To my luck none of the people on the streets questioned my face filled with wounds and still dripping blood. Home … all I wanted was to get back home and leave, forever.


	2. Life Doesn't Wait For You

The last chunk of adrenaline left me as I arrived at the door of the flat belonging to me and my partner. I tried to suppress to plainly scream for help. Every move, every thought, every breath I took … it hurt, it hurt like hell. With my last power I dragged myself inside my four walls, closed the door and slumped against the wall. I couldn’t stay, we couldn’t stay.

“Rupert? Holy … holy shit, what happened?” the calming voice of Jari made me smile as I collapsed onto him.

“S- Something intense, that’s for sure. Get me to the couch, all I need are some tissues and my phone. Pack everything that seems and looks important just as useful, we need to leave.” I gasped as he followed my instructions and let me slide on the dirty grey couch. Of course, I had to stare into a confused face, oh I loved him so much.

“All I need is an explanation, first of all!” he replied, understandable. While I tapped the number of my friend into the dial, I explained “The Gothkillers, I left them, broke Pix’ nose before I did so. You know that I am not a very good runner. End of the song is that a deadly gang wants to kill me and we need to escape as fast as possible.”

“Oh, bloody hell. Who are you calling?” he sighed with a loud breath, stroking his fingers through his hair.

“Achim, he will help us out for now, at least. Go, remember to take everything, money, food, clothes, you got it.” I instructed and pressed the call button while trying to clean my face at least a little.

“Why do I love you.” Jari muttered under his breath and went to fulfill his task.

 

“Wow, we really don’t have this much stuff.” I stated, eyeing the few bags laying on the sidewalk, ready to be picked up.

“We are two jobless musicians, we sold my drums and almost all of your guitars and basses because we were running too short. We are living under social care, the only income is … or was the little you brought from the gang. What did you expect? Not that I am mad about finally leaving this place, honestly.” Jari ranted and carefully wrapped his arms around my waist. He was right, we weren’t living in luxury – luck for us so we could leave as quickly as we arrived.

 

_Jari Salminen, my two-years younger lover I met five or six years before. Back then I was already member of the Gothkillers and to my surprise still working as bassist in a band. The young Finn, freshly arrived in Munich at the time I met him, was too adorable to not notice. I never denied the fact I could indeed end up in a relationship with a man and as he confessed me that he loved me I knew that he was he partner I wanted and needed. He also worked as drummer in a band, pretty successfully, honestly. We loved and we hated each other, living the most perfect relationship possible. I kept him completely out of the gang business, I believe they didn’t even know about my homosexuality for all the time I wasted with them. He accepted my double life and it brought in some additional money. This became important as we both lost our jobs, first me because of the gang, then Jari for simply being replaced by another drummer._

_Jari wasn’t the reason I left Noel and the rest of that horrible pack of people. It was me who set an end, no influences. It was my choice to leave … for a better future without being guilty of crimes I didn’t commit. I saw questionable things, I saw things no normal human wants to see. No longer a Gothkiller … I wanted to be a free man together with my partner._


	3. My Best Friend In This Life

Way too quickly our bags were stored inside my friend’s car. I was glad to spot that Jari also bagged my last remaining guitar. He just knew what was dear to me.

I placed myself on the front seat but only let out a lough sigh once Achim started the engine. Finally …

“We’ve got enough time to talk so might you want to explain clearly to me why you are using me?” he asked after being a few minutes on the road, Jari agreed from the backseat. I chuckled and started explaining.

“You both know that I was in that gang, the Gothkillers. Well, to make it short, it became too dangerous for me and I seriously feared for my well-being and life. Leaving the gang means death, basically. Jürgen and Alex – Pix’ bodyguards – already tried to politely bring me back to the headquarter, visible on my face. So: I am on a run for life now and if I don’t escape from here I will be dead in two days.”

“Good you left. What’s my part in this whole escape plan, except being your taxi driver?” Achim stated.

“I need you to give us shelter for one or two nights until we have an actual plan of what to do. It will take them a little to find out where we went so you should be all safe in this. Would you do this for me?” I gave him an almost begging look.

“If these fuckers are going to show up at my doorstep and threat me I will find you and kill you all by myself. Further you won’t stay any longer than needed, alright?” he stated and raised his brow at me.

“Yes, yes! Thank you, thank you so much!” I exclaimed and patted his shoulder.

 

_I was lucky to have a friend like Achim. We knew each other since childhood, since we ended up in this horrible school class together. He was my only friend and basically everyone anyway hated us. Nobody liked the socially awkward kids, the weird musicians … school is something I don’t remember with much joy. Honestly, he was the only one who stayed with me when everyone left me, when everything broke down, when it all went downhill. Nowadays we didn’t hang out much anymore because he moved out of Munich, however we were still there for each other. We couldn’t be separated, never. He would be the only person on this earth who would’ve drove almost an hour to pick up a friend who is chased by criminals and police equally. Everyone needs a friend like him._

_He also never cared about the gang stuff. He was the one to slap the shit out of me when I ended up at his doorstep, beaten up and drunk to drown the pain. At the same time, he would be the one to cheer me up with sappy movies and talks when I was sad, angry or even heartbroken. Women weren’t my luckiest part of life, maybe because of that I ended up with Jari by my side – not complaining. I am not proud of my life. I deeply hope that nobody ever tried to idolize me. I never wanted to be one, the only reason to look up to me is because of my height, nothing more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor precious Rupert.


	4. Our Time

Due all the stress, driving and explaining I forgot about my pain and my wounds completely. Only as I laid down in the squeaking guest-bed Achim had over for us I got reminded to the fists and boots, the insults, the fights and all the blood. Hell, how could I even walk straight with all the blood loss I suffered. I let out a loud groan as I tried to rest for a second. I couldn’t even stand up again through all the pain. Jari immediately put the bags he carried aside and rushed over to me.

“It hurts.” I stated, emotionless.

“Only one or two bags are left, I will be here for you in a second.” he muttered and gently wrapped his hand around mine.

“Take … your time.” I closed my eyes and tried to turn my thoughts off the pain. Jari and Achim were heard talking in front of the door to the guest-room. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, only single words as pain, painkillers and help. A gentle smile formed on my lips, how did I deserve such loving partner.

I must’ve zoomed out for a few seconds, next thing I could remember was Jari sitting next to me. Our few bags were stored in the room, the door was closed and my friend wasn’t heard anymore. All I did hear was my lover’s slightly nervous breath. I gazed into his eyes, beautiful, dark-brown, shining and glassy eyes.

“I got painkillers for you, I hope they can ease the pain at least a little. I also got a cloth to clean your face up, I don’t like it soaked in blood.” he explained and held the meds and a glass of water into my direction. Under horrible pain I pushed myself just upwards enough to take the painkillers. I hoped Achim gave him the strong shit. With a horrible sting I swallowed the pill and slumped back into the laying-pose again. I couldn’t remember a moment I ever felt worse than this.

I let out a growl as Jari started rubbing the wet cloth into my face. Not because it hurt, but I felt ridiculous in that position.

“I’m not a baby which has to be cleaned up.” I shove away his arm, complaining. Jari rolled his eyes, ignored my movements and continued scratching away the dried blood on my nose, my forehead, even my hair. Again, I slapped his hand away and stared angrily at him.

“Motherfucker.” he hissed, threw the cloth aside and leaned his face closer to mine.

“What are you going to do, now that you threw your weapon away?” I smiled and rested my hand in his neck, stroking through his soft short hair.

“Use my hidden one. May you finally shut up now.” he raised his brow, pulled his glasses off his nose and gently pressed his lips onto mine. He tasted so sweet, much sweeter than usually. We quickly deepened our kiss, ending up in a passionate battle of our tongues, wrinkling each other’s clothes during the process and just letting go of each other as we both almost suffocated.

“I love you so much.” came a light hiss almost synchronically from both of us, we started to laugh and Jari laid down next to me. The pain was forgotten, as long as I could hold him in my arms nothing could drag me down. Not even the upcoming fear of our unknown future.


	5. Madness

To my surprise the pain was mostly gone when I opened my eyes in the morning. Immediately I noticed the empty space next to me. However, Jari was still in the room, I felt his presence without even seeing him.

“Good morning, pigeon.” his sweet and gentle voice murmured out of the corner. With a yawn I sat myself up and rested my gaze on him as he sat in the greenish and old armchair, staring at his phone. He must had been awake for a while already, I checked the time which only strengthened that belief – almost noon. Carefully I tried to raise myself from the bed, doing so with an uncomfortable loud squeak. The painkillers worked wonders, it seemed.

“You’re so light and still you make noises as if you are a cow.” Jari laughed from his ugly throne.

“Shut up.” I replied with a smile and searched for clothes which weren’t stained with blood, dirt and other kind of shit.

 

Just as I wanted to turn my attention back to him, I already felt his hands against me. Wordlessly we gazed into each other’s eyes, we both knew that we had to face our current problem but for these few minutes we decided to dedicate back to what became rare, now that we were together for so long already.

“I don’t remember when I told you that you are the most wonderful thing in my life for the last time.” I murmured gently and brushed some short strands of hair off his forehead. Jari had to laugh, followed by a blush on his cheeks.

“No, really. I am honest.” I added with a smirk and leaned my face closer to his, he immediately laid his lips onto mine. During our sweet kiss I felt his hands gently pressing against my torso, pushing me back against the bed to make me sit down onto it – I didn’t mind. He followed by placing himself on my lap, wrapping his arms around my neck and leaning his forehead against mine.

“I have got a plan but you won’t like it.” Jari stated, gazing at me with is serious brown eyes through his thick glasses. I nodded and replied “Tell me anyway, maybe I do.”

“I guess it’s not unknown to you that I’m still a Finn, even after living in Germany for over five years. I’ve got friends and family in Helsinki, we can easily find a place to live and work there. Only problem is how we get there, without car or money to fly with a plane. I know a solution but that’s the part you don’t like.” my partner explained and unwrapped his hands from me. Finland … he had good arguments and basically that was the only solution without much effort. Indeed, the fact he’s a Finnish citizen already made it much easier …

“You don’t want us to WALK all this way?” I exclaimed, he was right with me not approving it.

“Do you have any other solution? Do you have any other plans? Besides, a month on a road trip doesn’t seem that bad. We have no jobs anyway and someone wants to kill you.” he laid his hands on my shoulders.

“I … I don’t know.” I stammered and lowered my gaze. Immediately I felt a finger of him pushing my face up by the chin again, making me look into a smirking face.

“Do you want to die?” he asked, his smirk creeped me out, honestly.

“No. Not yet.” another sigh left my lips and I laid my hand into his neck.

“Then we will walk.”

 

“You two are absolutely mad, but understandable.” Achim muttered with a shaking had as we explained our plan to him. He was used to crazy plans and ideas coming out of my mouth but walking through half of Europe was new for his ears.

“I guess you won’t be the only one calling us crazy.” Jari let out a laugh and entwined our hands.

“Do what you must, I won’t hold you back. But know that every further day you spend in my house, the chance that the gang will find you rises.” my friend stated and tapped our shoulders. I didn’t expect him to be this understanding, usually he made it to get rid of my stupid ideas in three seconds … not this time.

Jari and I went back into the room we spent the night in to pack all the important things together. Our stuff hadn’t been much anyway but the stuff we actually wanted to take with us was even less. Just as I thought about the how, Achim stepped into the room, hands-full of bags.

“I stopped camping a while ago anyway, you both might need it more now. And when you arrive … you can always give it back again, if you want.” he stated and dropped two huge backpacks and bags full of camping-equipment onto the bed.

“Achim, you d-“ I wanted to interfere and tell him that we didn’t need his help and he should keep his own stuff, but he interrupted.

“Keep it and use it. That’s the least I can do for you and Jari.” he gave me a nod and left as quickly as he arrived, not even giving us the time to thank him. A smile began forming on my lips, I looked over to Jari who must’ve experienced the same feeling.

 

It was a surprise that all our needed stuff fit into both backpacks, additional to those two we had the tent and my guitar in its bag.

“We should leave early in the morning tomorrow. I should print out some directions, perhaps.” Jari stated as he eyed the bags.

“Let me ask Achim if we can use his printer, I anyway need to ask him a favor …” I muttered, Jari twitched his shoulders and returned onto the armchair. With trembling hands I grabbed my guitar and left the room.

 

“You’re looking for me, Rupert?” I heard the voice of my friend asking as I ghosted through his living room. I couldn’t stop trembling – it wasn’t even a big deal but I died of nervousness.

“Yes, I need to ask you a favor. I know you already did more for us than you wanted in the first place and all I do is ask you for stuff –“ I began rambling, the way I spoke sounded so ridiculously weak.

“Hey, just ask. All I want is not getting in danger and making sure that you are as safe as possible.” Achim smiled at me and gently grabbed my shoulder. “It’s your guitar, am I right?”

I nodded. “I don’t want to take her with me, she’s all that’s left and the danger is too high she might get stolen or destroyed. Would you … keep her safe? Until Jari and I are in a safe place … and if we don’t make it … give her a warm and comfortable place?” I almost stuttered, I was shaking like hell – why?

“Why are you so nervous?” he laughed out loud and took the guitar bag out of my cramped hand. I didn’t know either, honestly. “Of course I can. She will get a special place in my recording room and she will wait for the day she’s back in your hands again.”

“Oh heaven, thank you. For everything.” was all I sighed before I threw my arms around him and pulled him into a hug, tighter to compensate for all these years we were distanced. He chuckled and stroked his free hand over my back. “That’s what friends are for.”


	6. The Last Goodbye

_My dreams were filled with horrible images, the horrific dangers we could face on our journey. I dreamt of the Gothkillers standing in front of Achim’s door, beating him up and leaving him to die. I dreamt that something could happen to Jari, both Gothkillers and the street itself were deadly for him. Well, I also dreamt of myself, there was a terrible high chance that I wouldn’t survive this trip. I was afraid, I had never been this terrified in my whole life. This was a race against death himself._

With a heavy heart and actual tears in my eyes I hugged my best friend, there was a chance this could be the last time we see each other, after all.

“Take good care of Jari and yourself, promise me to arrive safely in Finland.” Achim muttered as we unwrapped our arms from each other. He wasn’t the happiest either, his thoughts must’ve been similar to mine.

“I will, we both will. If you still don’t hear from us in two months, you know which song to play on my funeral.” I nodded and gave Jari the space to hug my friend also. They knew each other maybe not that close but they were still good friends.

“Take care of Rupert. I know, you learnt dealing with him for over five years but he can be unpredictable.” I overheard Achim whispering to my lover, I rolled my eyes and even a chuckle left my lips.

“I wonder if his “unpredictable” is as worse as “his worse”.” Jari replied, also with a laugh, Achim did the same. Lighting up the mood, that’s what Jari was talented in … such an angel.

Just as we shouldered our backpacks, took the bag with the tent in it and checked again if we didn’t leave anything important behind, Achim grabbed my shoulder and whispered, inaudible to Jari “I know you can’t survive a month without alcohol or cigarettes. Please, if you happen to have any withdrawal symptoms, don’t let them out on Jari. You need him, talk to him about your problems. He will be understanding and support you.”

I nodded quickly, felt as Achim slipped a pack of cigarettes into my pocket with a smile and then patted my shoulder. “For emergencies. Make it your last pack, this shit is worse than alcohol.” he gave me at last advice. Then my lover and I wandered off into the rising sun … our goal already in mind. We could do this, together we were strong enough.


	7. Better

_Days on the journey: 1 / Location: Germany_

 

“I seriously wonder when one of us will have his first breakdown.” Jari stated after we had been walking for quite some time already, it had to be around noon, surprisingly few people were seen on the streets. I let out a heavy sigh and replied “Only a half day and you start complaining already. Definitely thrills me for the remaining month to come.”

“I’m just wondering about the obvious, don’t tell me you aren’t thinking about the worst outcomes.” he replied and headed for a near bench in a small park next to us. Time for a break.

“The worst outcomes? Every single step we take could be a mistake, every breath you take could be your last. I’ve been thinking about this since they beat me up. However …” I began to ramble and interrupted myself by sitting down next to my lover “Not only can we hopefully start a new life in general, I hope that we can take a new beginning on our relationship also.”

Jari chuckled and wrapped his hands together “Is there something you need to tell me, something that might be important for the next 30 days?”

“Well, you know best how rough it all became and how often I showed up drunk in the middle of the night, how I wasted our actually needed money on booze and cigarettes. I regret the moments I fell in bed next to you, smelling like shit and vomit and you had to leave the room because you couldn’t handle this disgusting crap. I also regret spending half of our relationship in front of our door, smoking, tons and tons of this shit.” I pulled the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket “I want to become clean, Jari. I know there’s no way I can afford this shit in the near future and I never want to, ever again.” I ended and shook my head with a sigh, throwing the pack onto the ground.

I felt a gentle hand stroking over my back and then around my shoulder, followed by my partner’s sweet voice. “The first step is the most difficult step and you just took it. I hope you can do it and I will support you, as much as I can.” His hands softly cradled my head and pulled it into his direction.

“Thank you.” I muttered before our lips met in a short but forgiving kiss … just before we stopped our break and continued walking. The first confession of many, probably.


	8. Shadow Play

_Days on the journey: 3 / Location: Germany_

 

Yawning I stepped over the asphalt, trying to avoid the light cones of the street lights. It was way past midnight but we couldn’t find a place for our tent yet, so we were dammed to walk through darkness, completely alone on the streets. I only noticed that Jari stopped walking as I heard his gentle laughter behind me, turning around in wonder.

“Look! A butterfly!” my lover chuckled as he wrapped together his hands in front of the light, throwing a shadow figurine on the ground.

“Jari, we have to keep going.” I muttered and walked back towards him.

“Let me have some fun, at least for a few seconds.” Jari rolled his eyes and continued playing with the shadows. I sighed, crossed my arms and waited for the child to finish his games. It didn’t take long for him to realize how annoyed I was and he let off the shadow play and continued walking beside me, eyes depressed fixed on the ground.

“Stop looking like this, we both are tired and want to find a place to sleep.” I murmured and laid my arm around his shoulders. I wasn’t greeted by rejection but he wasn’t happy about it either.

“You always have to ruin every joyful moment I have, always.” Jari hissed and pulled his backpack higher again.

“I just want to sleep!” I replied and took my arm back to myself, to my surprise I spotted a small forest in our near surroundings, finally.

“And I want to be happy.” my lover mumbled and didn’t react to further conversation. Quickly our tent was built up and our bags stored, even after that small quarrel which was building up we found ourselves in each other’s arms, silently looking at each other. Jari did not want to kiss, I understood why and decided to sleep to leave it for the next day.


	9. All of Nothing

_Days on the journey: 5 / Location: Czech Republic_

 

We left our unnecessary dispute behind as we left Germany, none of us had time and power for it and we used the moment to leave our sorrows and problems behind to start the real journey to a real new life. It was horribly calm, none of the people seemed to care about us, everything and everyone seemed to be nice and relaxed … until I heard my phone rang. Nobody usually called me and definitely not in this situation. Unknown number … I told Jari to stop and picked it up.

“Hello sweetheart.” the voice at the other end chuckled, I knew this voice, too fucking well. I felt my heart clenching together, I thought it would be over …

“Pix.” I gulped and gave my lover a panicked look.

“Did you really think that I would leave you like this? Did you really think I would ignore what you did only because you made it to leave Germany? This is not how we handle our problems, Rupert, you know that we don’t run away. That’s not what you were supposed to be and yet there you are.” Noel vented into the speaker, his words let chills run down my back.

“You wish I would become like you. Over my dead body, Pix.” I hissed and grabbed for Jari’s hand. His face was pale of fear, he could hear what Noel was saying.

“I think Jürgen and Alex want to see their favorite colleague again. We will speak about your dead body once you’re back where you belong.” Followed by a beeping noise, Noel ended the conversation. I stared at my phone, seconds that could had been used to run … Jari almost screamed out loud as I threw the piece of metal on the ground, the screen shattering into pieces.

“Run, just run.” I hissed and my lover didn’t need a second command. It was too late, we ran into the wrong side street, obviously a dead end. I was afraid, not for my own life … for Jari’s life.

“If I die, kill yourself before they get you, okay?” I whispered, clenched my hand around his and looked into his beautiful eyes, maybe for the last time. Jari nodded, tears were running down his cheeks … what have I done. I threw my bags onto the ground, pushed Jari behind them and turned around.

“Keplinger.” I heard Jürgen exclaiming, his and his colleagues’ silhouette appearing at the end of the street.

“Plangger, you piece of shit.” I hissed and crackled my finger bones, walking into the direction of our persecutors.

“We used to be friends, remember?” he laughed and rested his hand on his belt. I could see the holster – quickly I checked Alexander for any weapons, negative. I needed to get as close to Jürgen as possible. I knew how to unweapon someone, I knew how to one-hit someone but this small street made it extremely difficult. This had to work, it had to. There was no second try.

With a quick but well-trained move I pulled my baton out of it’s holster, instantly attacking Jürgen with it. He shouldn’t even get a chance to pull out that gun. For a brief moment I thought about that Jari didn’t know about me owning an expandable baton – that would be a nice conversation once in safety. A good placed hit on Plangger’s hand and neck startled him long enough to fight off Alex, who obviously began to attack me too.

I knew to ever underestimate Alex, after all he was a head taller than me and physically stronger so I actually thought how to hit him before I attacked. Another quick swing of the baton landed in his neck and almost in the same move I turned around to Jürgen to unweapon him. Just as he pulled the weapon out of his belt I smashed my own against his hand, making the gun falling onto the ground. I kicked it out of range and wanted to knock both of them finally out but I did not expect Alex appearing behind me, grabbing me uncomfortably and unable to move. I knew fighting against his grip was impossible – shit, that was not supposed to happen, not at all.

“Oh boy, member of us for so long and still green behind the ears.” Jürgen chuckled and looked at the blood flowing down his hand. Alex tightened his grip, painfully deep digging his nails into my wrists as he locked them behind my back. Obviously I let the baton fall on the ground.

“Man, how long have I waited for this.” Jürgen muttered as he pulled out a knife and stepped closer towards me. I couldn’t move at all, one of Alex’ hands was holding my wrists, the other was felt wrapping around my neck, strong enough to cut off half of the air I needed.

“What is that?” he raised his brows in wonder and surprisingly gently laid the knife on my cheek. Tears. Most of the time I didn’t notice when I was crying, why did it have to be in that moment. That’s how I died … through Jürgen’s hands …

“Little crybaby Keplinger is suddenly fearing for his life it seems.” he hissed, ab absolutely ugly smile forming in his face.

“I don’t fear death. I fear dying through your hands.” I gasped.

“I bet everyone does.” he twitched his shoulders and let his hands run through my hair, painfully pulling at it. “I won’t kill you, Rupert. I will torture you.”

And with these words I felt the horrible sting of his knife being rammed into my side, I couldn’t help to scream out loudly, more tears running down my face. My legs became weak … oh lord, only a wonder could’ve saved me in that moment.

 

Just as Jürgen pulled the knife out of my hip and readied to stab me again I heard a deafening gunshot and the man holding me collapsed behind me. Both me and my enemy looked into the direction of the shot and I couldn’t say who was more surprised by the fact that MY BOYFRIEND JUST SHOT A PERSON. Jari was trembling and crying, his breaths were heavy and fast as he looked at the man on the ground, blood flowing out of the hole in his head.

In a reflex and my dearly loved adrenaline attacks I kicked Jürgen against the nearest wall, smashed my elbow against his forehead and watched him also collapsing before running towards Jari, catching him before he became unconscious.

“I shot a person, I killed a person, I am a criminal, I … I” he rambled, trembling harder than in freezing temperatures. I went on grabbing our bags, pushed Jari’s in his arms and shouted “I don’t fucking care, just run for your fucking life before someone sees what happened here.”

And we ran. We ran until my shirt was soaked in blood of my stab wound and I collapsed onto a bench in a park outside the town we were in, no people around and a beloved forest nearby.

I coughed, feeling the pain coming back, running through my whole body. Jari … I wrapped my arms around Jari and pulled him into a hug, not caring about any blood, pain or whatsoever.

“I am so glad … that you are fine.” I muttered and pressed my lips against his cheeks. I didn’t care about myself, as long as he was in safety I had nothing to fear.

“I killed him, Rupert. I am a murderer.” he whined and shook his head as we let go of each other. I had to smile, cupped his face with my hand and stared into his eyes for a few seconds.

“That doesn’t matter. Not for me and it shouldn’t for you.” I assured and grabbed the bag with the medical supplies in it. “Can you help me bandaging?” I added, of course Jari did, not commenting on what I said before.

We didn’t talk much on our walk till night set in and we searched for a place for our tent.

Jari’s head was resting on my chest, he was silently sobbing – I tried to blend out the pain coming from my wound.

“You’re still thinking about it?” I muttered and gently stroked my fingers over his shoulder.

“Yeah.” he breathed and carefully pushed himself up to get his face closer to mine. “Have you ever murdered someone? With that baton?” he asked.

“I didn’t count, but yes.” I sighed. He probably expected it, the weapon and the things I did with it. It was obvious I didn’t use it for the first time.

“It’s not surprising … oh god.” his breath became heavy again but instead of crying he pressed his lips on mine, hungrily kissing me until I had no air left and stopped him. That was very unusual, at least for him. I knew that when he kissed me like this someone was going on in his body but that couldn’t be the case, could it?

“Rupert …” he gulped and looked me deep in the eye. “What’s happening with me …”

“What’s up? Are you okay?” I pushed myself up and looked at him in panic.

“Yeah just … all that fighting and then I shot Alex and all the blood and how we ran away under adrenaline and oh my god … I’m so aroused right now and I don’t know why, I need you – really, need.” he stammered and blushed in a deep red. Obviously, he wasn’t met with situations like these before.

“Hey, nothing to be ashamed about that. I got used to it and keep it down but all these impacts on you, the danger, the adrenaline and all the different feelings leave you hungry and needy. I know how you feel.” I shook my head with a chuckle and brushed my fingers through his hair.

“I shouldn’t be aroused by violence.” he rolled his eyes.

“… and yet here you are. Don’t worry, it’s not because of the violence, it’s because of the adrenaline, nothing to be ashamed of.” I laughed and pulled him into another but shorter kiss.

“I am a monster, a murderer.” he began to mutter after we laid down again and he went back to rest on my chest.

“Maybe, but you saved my life. Nobody will miss him, nobody will mourn him – if that helps you coping.” I tried to make him feel a little better. I could understand his worries and thoughts … after my first murder I couldn’t sleep for weeks without seeing that person’s face in front of me. I hoped he would cope better with it.

After all, he achieved something that nobody for the last 49 years could do … setting an end to a human monster’s life.


	10. I am addicted, that’s what makes me

_Days on the journey: 7 / Location: Czech Republic_

 

Our small visit in the capital had been more painful than anything else. We lost a whole day in the city but at the same time it might had been better. We used the time to fill our supplies again and calm down, the fight still sat in our bones and minds. However, as the next day called I dragged myself back into reality and we continued our road trip … only three weeks left.

 

It was early in the morning in some town near the capital, lucky for us we escaped in summer, no freezing at night at least. That didn’t explain why I was almost soaked in sweat while my hands were trembling as in negative degrees. Quickly I shoved Jari off my chest and pushed myself up. I rubbed my eyes and stared at my hands afterwards. I did not feel cold at all, still they were shaking almost uncontrollably.

“Jari.” I muttered, receiving a groan as answer. Clumsily he searched for his glasses, put them on his nose and dedicated to me. I didn’t have to explain my problem, it was visible. Quickly I felt his palm checking my forehead – ice cold.

“Do you feel sick?” he asked, I shook my head and tried to get my arms back under my own control. A thought crawled into my mind and it wasn’t a nice one. My partner seemed to think the same.

“You haven’t had a single drop of alcohol for a week, just as cigarettes …” he murmured and wiped his hand over his face before adding “I remember you wanted to become clean but both at the same time in this situation …”

“I can handle it, as long as I am only trembling.” I replied, brushing it off. I felt well enough, except the obvious I had no other problems. Jari nodded and began to crawl out of the tent.

“But if you feel it becoming worse, tell me immediately, alright?” he said. Of course, why wouldn’t I.

 

It was exhausting, every single step we went further. My trembles became better as I focused on our journey but the sweating didn’t stop, just like a horrible headache crawling into my head. This wasn’t good at all.

I needed it. I craved for it – no matter if alcohol or a cigarette.

No, no, never again, none of both. The headache became worse, my thoughts became louder … just one drop … just one single glowing stick …

“Rupert! Hey! Pidgeon!” I heard Jari’s voice and immediately zoomed back into reality. He pulled me into a bench, forcing me to rest. Oh sweet Jesus. “I told you to speak up as soon as it becomes worse!” he exclaimed and threw his bags onto the ground. However, he quickly remembered again how shitty I felt and began to search for our bag with medical supplies. Painkillers, my best friends.

 

“What are we going to do about that?” my lover muttered, we decided to rest a little longer on that bench. He found himself laying in my arms, listening to my uneven breath.

“Living with it.” I suggested and received a laughter from Jari.

“You randomly zoom out, you have horrible shaking and sweating attacks, you are suffering from headaches … are you sure you are capable of living with that?” he replied with a shaking head, moving out of our half-hug.

“Absolutely not but we have no choice, sweetheart.” I hissed and readied to continue.

“That’s true … that’s true.” he answered and followed my actions.

 

It was horrible.

Not the craving for it, but the headaches, the pain I felt everywhere, my hurting muscles from all the shaking … it was a mistake to give both such a sudden stop. I regretted it so hard.


	11. The Sweet Escape

_Days on the journey: 10 / Location: Czech Republic_

 

“I am still thinking about it. Every night when I try to fall asleep … I see his head, the hole I shot in it and all the blood.” Jari muttered as we wandered over a huge, seemingly completely abandoned meadow. It was around afternoon, most seemed to be actually fine under given circumstances. My lover became unusually talkative and my wound, added to the withdrawal pain, tortured me every single step – but these were the only issues we had to deal with.

“That will settle, sooner or later.” I assured and let out a sigh. I was exhausted, for quite a while, obviously. I wanted it to be over, I hated it to be lost and homeless like this. I felt defenseless, I hated to be like this.

“I never knew that you own a baton. How did you hide it for all this time? You must’ve had it for quite a while because you fight like a sensei.” Jari chuckled surprisingly relaxed about my weapon. Well, he was also used worse of me so I shouldn’t be that shook about it.

“The fact that not even you knew about it shows how well it’s hidden. Nobody should know about me owning it, I want to surprise my attackers.” I explained and, of course, slowly pulled it out, handing it to Jari.

“How do you fight with this, it’s heavy as fuck?!” my lover laughed out loud and tried some air hits with it. I couldn’t help to join his laughter, wrap my arm around his shoulders and press a kiss against his head.

“More weight means more destruction.” I nodded and stored the baton back onto my belt, Jari acted impressed and we basically spent all way until night in laughter.

 

“Rupert, I have a confession to make.” my lover muttered as we readied for sleep, obviously I immediately listened up, gazing into his eyes, watching how his cheeks turned red.

“I don’t know if you noticed it yet and I don’t want you to think bad of me so I’ll say it openly once and for all. It had always been like this, most of the time I didn’t ask for it because I know you aren’t that much into us both sleeping with each other – however, these few days we spent on closest space with each other makes my libido flowing over. Rupert, I want you so fucking bad every single minute but I don’t want you to think I am a sex-addict.” he rambled and blushed even harder. Well, I was surprised because I really never noticed it.

“That’s … an interesting confession to make at this point.” I raised my brow with a chuckle and added “Don’t believe I am thinking bad of you now, people are different even in things like these. You don’t have to be ashamed of asking me or initiating it whenever you want. If I don’t want to in that moment then I will signalize you that soon enough.”

“Did I really just tell my boyfriend that I want to fuck him any time of the day.” Jari muttered towards himself and I had to laugh out loud. My pains shut up for that night so I decided to give him that satisfaction. It was different and quite uncomfortable in our small tent but we kind of figured it out.

I was surprised how calm I happened to be after it.


	12. Breaking the Silence

_Days on the journey: 14 / Location: Poland_

 

“You guys look like you came right from the trash, do you need any help perhaps?” the man standing in front of us asked, eyeing our clothes and countless bags. We decided to take a break in a park once again as a man decided to speak to us. He seemed trustworthy enough, on the first look.

“Little do you know, we had been on a run for, I believe, exactly two weeks now. We still have to go for at least two more, our goal is Helsinki.” Jari explained as I concentrated on even breathing. I must’ve looked like a living corpse with all the wounds and mental death because of my withdrawals. I felt like living in an empty skin, everything inside of me was non-existing.

“Hell, whatever made you do this, a huge plan you have there. I only repeat myself, do you need any help? My name is Ken, you can also call me Kenny if you want.” he stated and I felt Jari’s gaze searching mine for answers. I couldn’t even think straight, I just wanted everything to be over as fast as possible.

“I could at least invite you both for a cup of tea, if there is nothing else.” Kenny smiled and it warmed my shaking body. Meeting friendly people in such a situation …

 

His flat was unexpectedly big and comfortable and I already internally whined for the moment we had to leave it again. At this point, every place felt like home, I guess. Almost way too rudely I gagged down the tea Kenny brought us, immediately a feeling of beautifully gentle warmth filled my body. I missed my home, I wished and prayed for this trip to be only a nightmare but waking up every morning prove it to be harsh reality.

“Your wounds look pretty bad, at least from what I see. I believe hospital isn’t an option for you two but I can probably find some spare bandages. Are you fine with this?” Kenny asked and pointed out what was way too obvious. My wounds were healing extremely bad, some of them already turned into ugly and painful scars. Every help would be appreciated. I nodded and Kenny raised from his seat and headed somewhere else.

Right after he disappeared, Jari stood up also, whispered something I couldn’t understand in my lightheadedness and left the room in another direction. Bathroom, I guessed.

 

Just as I took my first even, calm and healing long breath for quite a while, something white rushed over my eyes and in a split second I felt it being wrapped around my neck, cutting of my breath.

“Scream, you poor boy, scream!” Kenny hissed with a demonic smile as he obviously tried to suffocate me for whatever reason. There wasn’t much I could do in that moment, that’s how internally dead I was. I didn’t feel anything, just a warm embrace as I saw some light in front of my eyes as every try to breathe failed.

 

Color suddenly snapped back into my vision as I heard Jari shouting right next to me and I almost fell off the chair as I saw him handling my baton right next to me. I couldn’t understand what was happening until I remembered that Kenny … why did he try to kill me?

 There was no time to ask and I jumped up and grabbed all bags I could carry while Jari – quite skillfully – used the metal stick for its original purpose. As he looked at me, ready to flee, I also grabbed what he could and we ran outside before Kenny could get back on his legs.

 

And again, we ran for our lives, we ran until we both collapsed, out of breath and will to live.

“The tent.” Jari murmured after laying on the ground for a quiet while.

“We lost the tent.” he added and searched for my hand, grabbing it tightly as he found it.

“It’s alright … it will be alright … somehow.” I muttered and closed my eyes, instantly falling in the deepest sleep I had for several nights. We didn’t care that we laid in the middle of a random grass stain. All we needed was a rest.


	13. 1000 Scars

_Days on the journey: 19 / Location: Lithuania_

 

It had been a very unusual sight of me and my partner. Closely clutched together we sat under a huge tree, trying to get shelter from the rain. It was already dawning and the storm didn’t give any signs to stop soon.

What was unusual about this situation?

My face was buried in Jari’s shoulder, soaking his jacket with my tears. It had been going like this for over 20 minutes already and just as the rain, there was no end to see. I cried, just cried. Every pain I endured in those last three weeks, every loss I made, every single happening – it all just flowed out of my eyes like a waterfall. Jari wasn’t even trying to comfort me, he knew that I’d only stop once there is no drop of water left in my body. All he did was tightly pulling me against himself, keeping us both warm at least.

I never thought to ever end up at this point in my life, where I see no way out anymore, where all that was left living for was the man right beside me. I always thought to be strong, impossible to break. I lost that belief as soon as I saw myself shattered into pieces like this.

“We should’ve never ran away. Being tortured by the Gothkillers feels so much better than this living hell.” I muttered and searched for the eyes of my lover. A sting went through my body, the dark brown of his eyes had an aura feeling just like home, like calmness, like shelter.

“We can’t undo the things we did, neither control the way of faith. We are so close to our goal, Rupert, we can’t give up now.” he hummed and pulled me even closer against himself, whispering right into my ear “You are a fighter, a merciless fighter. It will all be over soon, believe me.”

Not to say that his words made me cry less, even more tears rushed down my face but unexpectedly I began to smile at Jari. Never had I ever been this thankful to have him by my side. What is a warrior without at heart? He was definitely mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, it's time to stop the torture xD


	14. In A Perfect World

_Days on the journey: 23 / Location: Lithuania_

 

“You’re slowly getting the hang of fighting, aren’t you? I should get you your own baton once we arrived.” I chuckled and entwined hands with my partner. Before my emotional breakdown a few days before, I seriously thought that I would never have a laugh on my face ever again, that no feeling of joy would ever fill my body again. Thankfully, Jari proved me otherwise and, after all hopes were lost, I found myself laughing, together with my lover, walking over sidewalks as if nothing ever happened. The whole trip me made until  that point, everything suddenly felt as nothing more than a surreal memory. Well, the scars all over our bodies prove the horrible reality but that wasn’t in our interest anymore. Looking ahead, that’s what Jari suggested.

“I am no fighter, pigeon. I’m rather the protector, I believe.” Jari replied and also let out a chuckle. “My only act of interfering is when someone tries to hurt my big baby again.”

“I am not a baby!” I hissed and gently boxed his shoulder.

“You are.” he insisted and the longer I thought about it I believed that he was right. At least I was a badass baby.

 

My eyes unconsciously locked in the windows of an alcohol-store and I only noticed that I even stopped walking as I felt Jari pulling me away and back on track. I won’t lie, I still craved for both, alcohol and cigarettes, but I was glad the part of physical pain was over, at least for a small while.

“This will haunt me forever, I’m afraid.” I muttered as we set foot in front of foot, just as usual.

“You are doing a good job, nevertheless, and you are trying. That’s more than most going clean achieve, I guess.” Jari assured me and wrapped his arms around me. I sighed with a smile, pulling him against me equally.

 

“What will you do first, once we arrive at the studio of my friends?” Jari asked and to my own surprise I didn’t have an answer this fast. Maybe, because I never had in mind to actually made it to Helsinki in one piece. Now, goal this close, it was actually worth to think about such things.

“I actually don’t know. How about you?” I asked back and obviously he already had a definite plan.

“Maybe a shower first, then I will sleep for three days straight.” he laughed out loud, even though his plan sounded very appealing.

“Honestly, using a real and clean toilet to take a shit would be enough.” I shook my head with a chuckle, Jari hissing out “Rupert!”

“But where is the lie?” I added and my lover agreed, us both buried in laughter.


	15. Son Of A Gun

_Days on the journey: 26 / Location: Latvia_

 

Days were getting lighter, every step we took closer to our goal. There were no doubts anymore that we wouldn’t make it. Helsinki was so close, all we basically had to do was reaching out our hands … and walking a few more kilometers.

We were buried in random talks about gods and the world, just as every goddamn single day since we left, nothing special. Just as I wanted to strengthen my argument about whether mankind will settle on other planets one day, I heard someone calling my name from behind.

My inner alert was instantly ringing as I heard the familiar voice, unconsciously my reflexes set in and Jari jumped away because of my sudden movements. In a split second I smashed all my bags on the ground and turned around, in the same move pulling out the baton.

“Move one step closer and I will merciless kill you.” I shouted and threatened the man standing in front of me. Jari silently stood next to me, watching what would happen.

“I’m not here to hurt you, don’t worry. Done that often enough by now, I guess.” Jürgen raised both his hands in the air and made sure I saw that he had no weapons with him. Suspicious.

“Why the fuck are you here?” I hissed, aggressively. Not to say I was very happy about seeing him again after what he did to me. We both most certainly weren’t supposed to meet again.

“I want to apologize, Rupert. I don’t expect you to accept it, you have all reasons to hate me and to kill me.” he continued, his voice showing no signs of tricks or other tries to fool us. I couldn’t understand … why would he be like this. He was never the one to say sorry, to regret his actions. Slowly I lowered my weapon, searching for Jürgen’s eyes. I knew that shimmer in them … we had been friends long enough for me to know he wasn’t a danger in this moment.

“You wanted to kill me, Jürgen, you stabbed me … do you understand? Do you think that bleeding out felt fun? Words can’t fix a broken plate, my dear.” I stated and stepped into his direction, he nodded and a sob was heard coming from him.

“I should’ve never used that knife on you, I know. Goddamnit, I don’t want to continue like this.” I watched as tears began running down his cheeks and I quickly enough caught him in my arms before he could collapse. Quickly I looked over to Jari, his face of pure confusion made me chuckle. He didn’t know.

“Why did you come here?” I asked, silently, as I gently helped him on his legs again. Even after all shit that happened, never would I leave Jürgen hanging like this. Our past was too unforgettable for us to break all bonds at this point.

“Pix, that son of a bitch, sent me to bring him your head. If I fail, I should never return again. I am not here to harm you or your partner, I just thought telling you farewell before leaving might be the least I could do.” he admitted and stared at the ground.

“You … you are literally Pix’ bodyguard, how can he feed you to the lions like this?” I was shocked and laid my hands on his shoulders.

“He talked me into killing my friend, he talked me into sacrificing my other friend. Pix doesn’t deserve any more sympathy of my side. Should he see by himself how to keep the Gothkillers up with nothing more but novices.” Jürgen hissed and cursed our former boss in the same breath. I understood him and I knew that by himself, never would he stick a knife into my body if it wouldn’t be for the royal shithead to command it.

“Jürgen … hey, look at me.” I muttered and waited for his gaze to cross mine. “I accept your apology.” I added.

“What?” Jari was heard asking confused from the back, both me and Jürgen decided to ignore it for the moment.

“Wherever you are heading, may you arrive safely. Promise to visit me in hell.” he muttered and gave me a sad yet heartful smile.

“Thank you. I will, I definitely will. Stay safe in this dark world.” I equally smiled back at him and pulled him into a firm hug, lasting for a good few minutes.

 

“I have questions.” Jari stated.

“Maybe another time.”


	16. Ocean

_Days on the journey: 30 / Location: Estonia_

 

I literally broke out in tears as we arrived at the port of Tallinn, not even Jari could hold himself back at the sight of the Baltic sea. My new home, my new life would wait on the other side of this field of water. All that stood between us and our goal was how we got onto the car ferry. We didn’t even had enough money for just one regular ticket so we needed a different plan.

We decided to settle at a near resting place, thinking about how to cross the sea, hopefully leaving the next day.

 

It became late, the restaurant-like shop was open all night and we were allowed to stay overnight, so we ended up silently staring at each other. There were no words left to say between us, now that we arrived at the point we craved for all these weeks. So close and yet so far. Countless minutes later, the door was heard, the truck driver who we just watched parking with his truck walked in. He and the worker had to know each other, at least that’s how their laughter sounded like.

Shortly after that, the driver walked up to us to take the seat next to us, silently sipping his coffee before suddenly raising his voice.

“By your looks I can tell you want to cross the sea too, am I right?” he asked with a smile. There was a weird aura coming from him, much different of the one that was surrounding Kenny as he invited us before trying to kill me.

“We would love to but we don’t have any money left for tickets. Been walking for I think exactly 30 days now, all that is left is getting onto the ferry somehow and arriving in Helsinki, which is our goal.” Jari explained, I just nodded silently.

“You had been walking? Now you made me curious!” he exclaimed and readjusted his position towards us. “My name is Falk, by the way.” he added.

“Long story told short,” I began to explain “we both used to live in Munich until due extremely shitty circumstances we had to escape and most certainly never return. My loving partner Jari, as born Finn, had the idea to leave for Helsinki to start anew there. So yeah, basically we were walking all the way, no money for cars or similar. Let me tell you, this was a hell of a trip down emotion-road. I’m Rupert, not to be rude.”

“That’s really impressive, boys. Respect!” he nodded and patted our shoulders. After taking another sip of his coffee, he continued “I could take you both onto the ferry in the back of my truck basically.”

A smile formed on his face as he saw our confused faces. “I regularly drive this way and not to say I’ve done this a few times already but sneaking two people onto the ferry is not big of a deal for me.”

“How can we know this isn’t a trick?” I asked and exchanged looks with Jari.

“Don’t worry, Falk is alright. He’s too honest to trick anyone. He already brought much different people over this sea, you can trust him.” the guy behind the counter said, who was obviously listening to our conversation too. He and the trucker were friends, they could also stick under the same blanket.

“Rupert, do you really think is this the right time to be picky?” Jari stated “He seems like a good guy and we have absolutely nothing to lose. Falk isn’t Kenny, trust me.”

“Who’s Kenny? Can I agree on that he isn’t me?” Falk asked and made me chuckle.

“We met him around a week ago, some stranger who tried to suffocate me but luckily didn’t expect Jari to fight back.” I explained.

“Oh hell, that’s definitely not me. I swear, betraying helpless wanderers is definitely not why I am here, you can trust me.” Falk agreed.

Again I looked into Jari’s dark brown eyes. Belief, they told me.

“I guess we don’t have a choice, then.” I nodded at the truck driver, receiving a firm handshake of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FunFact or Sidenote
> 
> The real-life reference to Kenny is Ken Hanlon, vocalist of Darkhaus (although he is asweetheart in real life and most certainly wouldn't kill Rupert xD)  
> The real-life reference to Falk is Falk Maria Schlegel, organist of Powerwolf
> 
> Cameos are nice, alright.


	17. Dreaming Wide Awake

_Days on the journey: 31 / Location: Finland_

It was early in the morning when Falk woke us up from our sleep which was more likely a nap, but the sight of our goal was even better than thinking about proper sleep. After the truck driver almost forced us to let him buy breakfast for us, he lead us to his rather small truck.

“Basically, all you have to do is hiding behind those bags of clothes, until we are on the ferry at least. After that, nobody will check anymore. I’m passing here almost weekly and they stopped checking my truck every single time but I don’t want to take risks.” he said and helped us both into the cargo box, waiting until we found our hiding space.

“The ride will take from 3 to 4 hours, then we are in Helsinki. A last tip … try to sleep. Hyperventilation because of total darkness and sea sickness aren’t funny. Good luck, have a safe ride.” he knocked onto the ground of the cargo box and closed the doors. There was no way back now … towards our new home.

“He’s right, we should catch up some sleep before stumbling into our arrival.” Jari stated and moved closer against me. We were laying under a pile of bags with clothes in them, not the most cooling hiding place but it would be alright for those few hours.

“I doubt I can sleep, my head is crowded.” I muttered and leaned my head against my partner’s shoulder.

“At least try to. Time will pass faster and in one blink of an eye we will be in Helsinki.” Jari chuckled and smooched a kiss onto my nose, seemingly instantly falling asleep. What a cutie, I thought, before I closed my eyes and tried to think about nice things.

 

“Sleepyheads! It’s past noon!” a voice was heard shouting, slapping against the cargo box. Confused I tried to free myself of bags on top of me and stared into the light, still confused. A few seconds after, Jari joined me.

“Welcome to Helsinki!” Falk exclaimed and spread his arms. Carefully and probably a little tipsy I pushed myself up and walked towards the doors.

“His first time?” the driver asked my lover, who laughed and probably nodded, then quickly passed me and left the cargo before I did, grabbing our bags while I was busy being flashed. I gulped and slowly climbed onto the ground, looking around myself. My heart became heavy and Jari was back in the right second to catch me before I collapsed.

“W- We … we did it …” I stammered and clenched onto my partner, trying to stay on my legs but they couldn’t hold me.

“We did it.” he repeated with a wide smile on his face, firmly holding me in his arms.

“Seeing another pair of lone wanderers happy fills me with joy. If you ever need me again, you know where to find me.” Falk stated as he patted our shoulders and left quicker than we could thank him. There were still good people in this world.

“We should make our way to the headquarter of my friends’ band, they will give us some needed support. Well, at least when you are done dying by the sight of my city.” Jari chuckled and carefully I could properly stand again. Truth was, that I had never seen something as beautiful as this city ever in my life. There was not a single regret left in me, no tears to cry about what I left behind in Munich. A new life … which could hopefully be started right there, at that point. I pulled Jari into my arms, almost hugging all life out of him while whispering a faint “Thank you.”


	18. Second Chance

Both me and Jari were equally nervous about the upcoming happening as we slowly approached the building in which my lover’s friends were supposed to be at.

“Do they know about us, that we are coming and stuff?” I asked and sighed under the weight of my backpack. How did I survive carrying it for all these weeks? Jari chuckled and grabbed into his pocket, raising his phone in my direction.

“Other than you I didn’t throw my phone erratically onto the ground, basically terminating everything on it.” he winked at me and entwined our hands. I didn’t even think about my phone since I destroyed it. Well, to be honest I didn’t miss it and much memories weren’t lost with it. I had to smile, now it would really be a whole new start, no complaining about that though.

The nervousness became obviously worse as we stood in front the door, Jari’s hands were trembling as he knocked against the wooden door. Quickly we gazed at each other – it would had been the perfect moment for a kiss but the door was opened before we could get closer to each other.

“Jari!” was heard in an excited shout and a man rushed into my lovers’ direction, almost throwing both of them on the ground with a hug. What the man said to him I couldn’t understand, as they obviously spoke in Finnish. More greetings I awkwardly watched from a small distance happened as we walked inside the quite cozy looking studio of Jari’s friends. As he seemingly finally greeted everyone he came back to my side and pushed me into direction of the five guys, to my luck speaking English with and about me.

“I know it might be awkward at first but it would be rude to talk Finnish when Rupert is around, so I’d be glad if you would try, at least. We won’t be here for too long, it’s not forever, don’t worry.” Jari explained and his request was obviously met with understanding, thankfully.

“Everything for you and your handsome boyfriend.” a tall, blonde haired man stated, making me weirdly blush and sinking into myself. Usually I wasn’t the socially awkward guy but in this situation I felt like going back to my first guitar audition as a kid. Jari’s friends seemed like hungry wolves, watching every move I do with great attention – it was purely intimidating.

“I think you both and most of all Rupert need some rest, he seems quite lost in the moment. You know where your quarter is, just come back sometime in the afternoon so we can introduce ourselves to him and show the plans we set for you.” the bald guy of the group stated and Jari laughed as he saw the pure anxiety in my eyes.

“You are right. See you later today.” he added, grabbed my hand and pulled me through their studio, way back into the last corner until we arrived in a rather small but just as cozy as the studio seeming room, a bed and closets in it.

“Too much for the beginning?” Jari chuckled and helped me storing the bags away first of all. That was done quicker than expected and I instantly found myself laying on the bed, almost breaking out in tears because it was so comfortable. I missed it … I missed the bed the most. As I stared at the ceiling, appreciating this bed more than I ever imagined I would, I felt my lover crawling into my arms, resting his chin on my chest.

“I am probably too exhausted.” I replied to the question he asked earlier, making him laugh.

“I believe you, they don’t look that sweet on first meeting but don’t worry, they are teddy bears. I’m afraid you have to get used to them.” he stated and changed his position, leaning over me with his whole body.

“I will be glad to get to know each of them.” I smirked and took initiative, pulling Jari down onto me and burying us in countless sweet kisses. It didn’t go further than that, we both were too tired for more and kissing only gave us the rest to fall asleep in a comfortable, yet short nap.

 

It didn’t take long for me and the band to break the ice, quickly we got along with each other pretty well. They basically did most of the work for us already – like searching for a flat to move in and jobs for us. Well, Jari’s place was obviously in exactly this band, Poets of the Fall they were called. They basically just threw out the guy who used to be their drummer for the past six years to take Jari back in, just as before he left for Germany. For me, they didn’t know much about my musically preferences but still searched out every rock band looking for a guitarist or bassist for me. They were much more than just simple support – they were the plank to this new chapter of my life. Jani and Jaska even lend me their basses and guitars to get back in practice. I felt like home … the perfect home.

 

“You look like you crawled the whole way through spikes, wow …” Marko commented as he inspected my countless wounds. Jari was talking to Olli at the other end of the room, the rest of them went home as it became late. My lover commanded me to let Marko check me through at least if I don’t want to go to the hospital – he had a proper medical education at least.

“Well, the path was difficult indeed. I think I was on the brink of death for three or four times.” I chuckled and the vocalist raised his brow as he eyed the ugly scarred stab wound.

“You got stabbed and …?” he picked deeper and went over the bruise around my throat “suffocated and what’s the other?”

“Internally. Getting clean of alcohol and cigarettes at the same time.” I explained and thought about how weird I had to look in my current situation, sitting shirtless in front of a man I only met a few hours before. As long as it was Jari’s will …

“Wow, that’s rough. No wonder you look like this. I couldn’t discover something horribly bad now so I think you are alright, except that scar from the stab wound – that will stay forever.” he stated and gave me the sign that I could put on my clothes again. Just as I was done with that, he leaned closer towards me and asked, silently “Now you have to tell me, how did you two end up with each other? You are as different as sun and moon and still together for six years already, what’s your secret?”

I had to chuckle but decided to make it short “Well, I kind of picked him up when he freshly landed in Munich and somehow this relationship formed from this, I can’t recall how we both ended up with each other through all these obstacles. Maybe fate.”

Marko laughed, patting my shoulder and adding “I am almost jealous of Jari, grabbing himself such a handsome man.”

I joined the laughter and exclaimed “I will take that as a very honest compliment.”


	19. No Wonder

“And you are still sure that I should come with you?” I asked as Jari and I walked, hands entwined, through the streets of Helsinki on our way to the place where his parents lived. Jari’s friends were a great help for us, just one week after our arrival we already had our own flat and could properly start our new life. Jari insisted on visiting his parents, even though the thought about it made him shiver. The things he told me about them, how my lover didn’t speak a single word to them for all these years in Germany … it would be everything but chill in that house.

“They would behead me alive if I am alone. I need you not only as protector but also as my mental support. And after all, you are everything I have left.” he rambled and squeezed my hand.

“I love you, never forget that.” I hummed

“Thank you, for everything. Love you, too.” he replied, still nervously with a trembling voice but I knew he meant it by heart.

After quite a walk we ended up in front of a small and old house, the place Jari’s parents had to live. At that point even I became nervous, what would happen once he would tell them the truth. A last look formed between us both, a quick kiss was shared and in the next moment my lover rang the doorbell.

To no surprise, Jari was greeted nicely at first and I stayed a little in the background, I couldn’t understand their spoken language anyway. The bases of all basic Finnish was known to me but I wasn’t even as far to understand a whole sentence. I knew Jari wanted to get straight to the point so we walked inside the hallway, just enough to close the door, and stayed there. Both of us most certainly didn’t want to be at this place.

His mother seemed to cut holes into him with questions while – I could feel that – his father eyed me from head to toe and tried to make up who the hell I am, to my knowledge Jari didn’t introduce me – yet.

Just as I thought about it, his mother pointed out his visible injuries, most of all the scratches in his face, and as far as I understood she also now asked who I am. Silence, seconds in which Jari gazed into my eyes and grabbed my hand. His palms were soaked in sweat, not even during our journey I saw him nervous and lost like this. The following sentences were well understandable, even with my poor knowledge of Finnish.

“This is Rupert, my boyfriend, and we were forced to leave Germany and walk all the way to Helsinki.”

The silence continued, the cold and disappointed gaze in their face which worsened with every blink of an eye and Jari who broke under all the impacts and let his tears a free way down his face. Quickly and with no hesitation I pulled him against myself. It was known to me that his parents would never accept the fact he’s in a homosexual relationship, he told me often enough how they annoyed him with questions when he would finally introduce a woman to them and when he would finally not break up with one after just a few weeks.

The disappointment turned into judgement against me and Jari, still in my arms, fought all their assumptions about me off. I am a criminal, a drug addict, those wounds were caused by me, not by nature torturing us … all of this. Then, all of a sudden, both of his parents started to talk to me, obviously in Finnish.

“He doesn’t speak Finnish.” Jari muttered (in English) and wiped the tears off his face, still staying close to me. I was never the one who needed to protect him and he most certainly never wanted me to be the “big strong man” in our relationship and I always let him be … but  in moments like these, where I could physically felt the pain he was going through, I was glad to play the hero for him. I didn’t have the looks of a softie and someone hurting Jari made this promise reality.

“Why did you choose my son for your illegal doings, why would you use him like this? You forced him into this!” I got shouted at by his father, nothing easier for me to handle loud voices.

“I would never use Jari for anything and it was the choice of both of us to walk all the way to this city. I gave him the choice to stay in Munich but he insisted to come with me.” I calmly explained, keeping the fire inside of me as good as I could.

“Dirty liar!” his mother added and it motivated his father only more to his following actions. Back in Finnish, he angrily hissed at the man in my arms, pointing at me a few times before he obviously readied his arm to gave Jari a not so gentle hit. Just before his palm reached Jari’s face I already grabbed it, pushing my lover out of my arms and standing in front of his father, firmly keeping his wrist in my fist.

“Just dare to touch him with only one finger and I will make sure you don’t have fingers anymore.” I growled, the fire burning in my eyes as the man in front of me became smaller and more intimidated by my actions. Should he shout at him all he wants but nobody had the right to physically hurt Jari.

Slowly I loosened my grip and turned towards my partner, whose eyes screamed for us to leave and I followed his beg right away. Silence ruled as Jari grabbed my hand and pulled me outside, rushing as fast as he could onto the streets and fell into my arms, this time for a hug.

“It was a mistake, to come here in the first place.” he murmured against my shoulder, I shook my head and patted his back. “Not a mistake but always a lesson. Lesson for your parents, though. I don’t know what they said to you but I promise, you never have to talk to them ever again without your own wish to do so.”

“I would be so thankful … so thankful. We should go home, as fast as we can.” Jari sighed and pulled me after him. I had to chuckle. Through all exhaustion, stress and pain he never stopped being the most adorable person I knew and I felt my heart warming up. We had been together for over six years already but that couldn’t stop me from falling in love with him over and over again.


	20. Heal My Wounds

Jari promised a surprise for me, that’s why I walked home from work much faster than usual. My new bandmates didn’t mind and it wasn’t like my partner still had much surprises for me after all these years, that fueled my excitement even more. We were already living in Finland for a few months, everything finally sorted out and ready to arise for a new chapter in our lives. While Jari already had his own drumkit right from our arrival, I was still using spare instruments of his friends – however I was already saving money to buy my own guitars and basses.

Obviously I also got myself a new phone too, finally contacting my best friend again. We were equally happy about the well-being of each other and Achim even promised to visit one day – of course when everything was settled and flowing.

The usually short walk seemed endless and I was almost too exhausted as I finally arrived in front of our door. Just as I stuck the key into its hole, the door was opened in front of me and I felt Jari’s palm over my eyes.

“Don’t open your eyes!” he hissed with a chuckle and pulled me inside. Surprise, yeah, but that was a little too exaggerated. I decided to get along with it, after all I could trust my life in his hands. Slowly he lead me through our flat until we arrived in the living room, however still holding his hands over my eyes. Some inaudible whispers were heard and a slight uncomfortable feeling widened in my thoughts but then Jari pulled away his hands and gave me back my eyesight – he had to hold me before I collapsed right away.

“A- Achim!” I exclaimed and basically just fell into his arms, burying us in a hug I internally begged for never to end. I didn’t expect to meet him, definitely not on this day. I missed him so.

“Oh Rupert …” he sighed and tightened the hug even more. It felt as if a whole piece of home returned, if I wanted it or not. “I am so happy to see you being alright.” Achim added.

“Same to you, same to you.” I replied and it probably took us some more minutes until we finally lowered the hug. However, as fate wanted, Achim visiting wasn’t the only surprise.

“Jari, who by the way set this whole visit up, told me your journey destroyed you so much that you forgot about what used to be your dearest. As much as I would love to keep her, I keep my promise, now that you are safe and probably need her more than ever.” my best friend explained and held a guitar bag into my direction.

Now I probably happened to be the one overreacting as I let my tears a free go without shame, burying my face in my palms. It was true, I forgot about her completely, how could that ever happen. Carefully I grabbed the bag and couldn’t hold myself from taking her out of it. My guitar … my first love and dearest object in my life – Jari was fine with my exceptional relationship to this guitar (he knew that obsession well enough from one of his bandmates). The sweet metallic sound that reached my ears as I let my fingers slowly slide over the strings gave me goosebumps. I loved her and I missed her as much as Achim.

I cradled my friend and my partner both in my arms, repeating over and over again how much I loved them and how thankful I was for their existence.

Achim would stay at our place for three more days, enough time to tell him about every happening we experienced on our journey.

 

It was evening, Jari somewhere around the flat and me and my friend had a moment between ourselves. Silently he grabbed an envelope out of his bag and held it in my direction.

“This is for you, he asked me to give it to you because he knew about our friendship. Fulfilling the last wish of a probably dead man, that’s all I can do.”

Confused I looked at the envelope

 

_For Rupert Keplinger and nobody else._

_Jürgen Plangger_

 

 

* * *

 

When this letter reaches you, I will already be somewhere else, perhaps a happier place. You may think, why does this idiot write an old-school letter for me and can’t leave it be with the meeting we had? This idiot felt like that conversation wouldn’t do justice to our lives, our friendship, the moment I turned against you and everything that happened after you left.

Do you remember the moment we met for the first time, the day you set foot into that shabby building, 10 years ago? A fine young man left behind by the people pretending to love him. I knew what every man and woman stepping through the doors of the headquarter went through. I made jokes about you behind your back, you weren’t much intimidating back then, I have to say. Noel, however, saw that potential in you and gave me the burden to teach the newbie, readying you for what to expect as a Gothkiller.

I was surprised about your skills, I didn’t expect a newbie to be this skilled at fighting, not at all a newbie owning an own weapon. You told me that you never shot a gun in your life and never would – that’s why you learnt how to fight with a baton. The streets are dangerous without defense, I knew that too well. We somehow became friends through all the “lessons” I had to go through with you. I used to be Noel’s first man, only the worthy newbies were given into my hands – you were one of the few ones who actually made it, who were tough enough to literally fight your way to the initiation ritual.

There you stood, a proud Gothkiller, ready to ruin people’s lives, save others and terrorize the city. Somehow, we both always ended up on “missions” together, growing closer with every day. You, Alexander and Dominik – the only real friends I ever had. Do you remember Dominik? Do you remember the day everything that was built in all these years shattered in minutes?

It was so simple. Visit the target, collect the money, leave back to the headquarters. Everything was so easy … until these motherfucking rivals of us attacked. So many fine members of us got injured and almost killed that day … and I never got over what you did. Took me long enough to accept it, it should’ve never gotten this far – I wanted to kill you because of the fact I kept believing you were the reason they killed Dominik. Do you know how much it hurts to see your best friend dying right in front of you, without any chance to interfere? I should’ve died that day, not Dominik. That would’ve kept so much drama off your throat.

It was a good decision of you to leave. I am so glad that you found someone who loves you as you are, who supports you and keeps you on the ground. I never met him officially, greet him from me, whatever his name is.

 

Noel … I always saw him as an idol of mine, for my whole life in the gang. I wanted to be like him, I worked hard for it, every single day. He raised me after himself, I grew up to be an asshole just as he was. I understood that too late, when you already crossed countries just to escape from him. He promised us a new life but all we got were false promises and hopes.

The moment Alex also left my side – the moment everyone that was dear to me left me I realized the shit I built and how it was way too late to readjust the mistakes I made. Dominik was gone, Alex was gone, you were gone. Noel was still deeply fixed on seeing you dead … no more death, only my own when the time would come to it.

 

I know that words will never be able to fix a broken plate, just as you told me. Carry the scar I gave you with pride, that you escaped hell on earth and saved yourself before anyone else realized and it was already too late. At this moment, it is most certain that I am not alive anymore. This world is cruel and I definitely had no life worth living. Farewell, Rupert, enjoy a life you were never allowed to have – and don’t waste any thoughts on me.

 

 

Yours dearly,

Jürgen Plangger

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this how yet another journey of mine ends.


End file.
